Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
