So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
