If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
