Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
