tell your sister to shave her snatch
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
