I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
