dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
