I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Are we still banned from the library?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
