who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
