I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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