So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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