So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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