Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
