Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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