wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
