If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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