My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
