then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just found a bag of teeth...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
