hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
