i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
