I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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