I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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