Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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