sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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