you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
