I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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