I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
