My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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