Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
