he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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