Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
