Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
