did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
