I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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