I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The best revenge is premature balding
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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