so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
