I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
