girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
