I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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