I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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