if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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