Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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