Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
