I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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