She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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