Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
