omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
