you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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