Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
