What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I wear drunk well.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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