Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
